The Day My Dad Died

(Reposted from 2010, Age 24)
“My friend told me the other day that these posts were really encouraging. He lost his dad in 2003. I asked him for feedback to make them better and he said, “They are great. They are REAL. and thats why I like them. Its great for me because I was not a christian at the time. Dont change, just keep them real.” So I’m going to keep being real, hoping that it continues to help the few or many who read this.”

Thursday, May 20, 2004
Journal:dad died wednesday. the 19th. somewhere around 1:30 pm. i know he’s happy and having a blast.but we are still here. without him. God, tell me this is a joke. i wouldn’t even be mad, i’d cry tears of joy. and what can i say to my mom that will ease her heartache? she and i both know where my dad is and all that he did here and so on-but that is not why she, i, or my siblings and relatives cry.

yes i have my peace spiritually. in terms of, i am not bitter or hateful towards God for this. I wish there was some other way. but this is my life i guess. i know i’ll never have the answer, but i can’t help but continue thinking, “why…?” how could i ever stop. these were the cruelest six months of my life. i know good things happened during this, lots…but please don’t bring that up and try to convince me that these months weren’t that bad. because no matter how much good was able to come, i lost my father in the same extent. i am short on tears right now. i’m not sure why exactly, but i do not have tears, not like my mom. i hate this. why can’t i feel this?!??!

i will never not miss my dad. because i will never see him again in this life. and even though in relation to eternity, this life is nothing…as long as i’m here, life is still a good length. maybe it just comes to me at nights when i feel like i’m 5 again, and i’m scared and i want to hug my dad and rest my head in his stomach. and then he’s not there. again. and again. and again.

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