(Reposted from 2010, Age 24)
“This may be uncomfortable for some, but I am going to keep writing about the fear, confusion, and pain of loss and suffering before I talk about the more “feel good” stuff. My reason behind this is, quite simply, because though joy is mingled with sorrow (sorrowful yet always rejoicing), deep pain lingers. Those great blessings and truths that you learn through suffering–which are very real–come in the the midst of messy uncomfortable situations, and often don’t come at all until far after the wounds have scarred over.
So here is another post from six years ago. Yes, it’s still scary and uncomfortable, and it will be for a little longer on this blog. I just want to be faithful to real life. It would be a real disservice to hurting people to give the impression that you just become really strong and come to peace with the way things happen after a brief spell of being a crazy lunatic saying things you really don’t mean and will want to take back later. You say some really wrong stuff, in retrospect (that part is true), but it is far more enduring than “brief.” These posts are my best attempt to show people how terrible loss and suffering are, knowing that mine are so small in comparison to others.”
i am a wreck. i just talked to my mom and she explained a lot more about my dad’s thing. i’ve been blowing it off for the past few weeks as if it’s just minor cancer, if there is such a thing, and that they are gonna start treating it and it’ll all be fine. i just didn’t know. it’s worse than i thought. just a lot worse.
i guess we can be optimistic cause the doctor says he’s confident it’s worth fighting and going through the pain of treatment vs. just enjoying the last six months or something. but it tripped me up to know that six months kinda thing was even a possibility. and then my mom telling me how my dad asked if it’s worth it. if he’d still be around and alive in six months-to the response of yes it’s worth it…i just thought he is gonna be sick and get better. but cancer is just sounding like a monster right now. i cried for the first time today. for the first time over this. as my mom was telling me about it.
i don’t know what it was. i guess it just became real now. and i just let the tears stream, and i would not let out a sound cause my mom was there w/ me on my bed and i didn’t want her to hear my crying so i just let the tears go and control my breathing best i could. and then i tried to stop the tears and wipe my eyes so that my mom wouldn’t be able to tell i was crying. i know it’s ok to cry, but i just didn’t want to make my mom cry more from seeing me really crying. but i just couldn’t help it. i kept having to pucker my lips tight as the tears came and try my best to keep silent.
and i’m not doing a good job at being the good son. i should just keep doing what i’m doing and from that kinda make my parents feel secure in knowing that i’m doing ok and stuff…play basketball, hang out w/ friends, keep up w/ school…all that.
and i do that. but i’m just wretched at home. i guess that’s when i let it all out. i’m nasty to my little brother and sister, just straight out mean sometimes. a lot of times. and i know i’m supposed to be better than that. that i’m supposed to just love them now and be a big brother and give them hugs to help them feel safe and stuff. i’m just not too good at that right now.
and when people ask me how i am. my patented response is “i’m ok” or “i’m alright” or “not bad”…cause that’s not bs’ing anything but it’s not giving them the whole truth. cause i don’t think it’d be nice to let them know the truth. i wouldn’t wish that on anyone. and honestly, i appreciate people being nice and being there for me. but i also expect people to understand that unless you’re one of my close friends i don’t really want to talk about it with you. nothing personal and i know that makes me sound like a bastard but i’d really rather not. i appreciate the thought and prayers, i’m dead serious. we need it so much. but me, i just can’t open up to everyone.
and i want to cherish this time w/ my dad. but i don’t know how. it just feels too weird. but i know i can’t let that keep me from being w/ my dad cause lately i’ve just kept myself pretty distant from my family. and where does God fit into all this. Right smack dab in the middle. i just can’t really bring myself to him right now.
i feel trapped and sick now.
i really hate this and i understand why it is such a common question now…”why do bad things happen to good people?”
cause my dad is a good man. he’s a hero.
but i guess none of us can say anything to God because we all deserve hell. well, that doesn’t really help
pray for my family please.