A Few Days After Dad Told Us He Had Cancer

(Reposted from 2003, Age 17)
i guess it’s been a while.
a lot has happened in between now and the last time i wrote.
Dad has cancer
What am i supposed to do with that?
i don’t cry. not yet. i’m not sure how i’m supposed to act
some people cry and are scared, i’m not sure if i am supposed to be that way too.
i’m not sure how i am allowed to act.
i know i have to step it up and be strong as a man.
my family needs me
i’m not sure if i’m allowed to show fear
if i can cry in front of them.
this came out of nowhere.
i’m just kind of stunned ya kno…
there’s nothing i can do to change my dad’s situation w/ cancer. that’s up to God now.
i don’t understand this, but i guess i’m not supposed to. not yet.
i’m not even sure how to tell some of my friends.
i don’t want to be an object of pity by letting people know
but sometimes i do wish people knew so they could be there for me more than usual.
i’m not sure about all this.
I just gotta give it to God.
if worst comes to worst my Dad will be in a better place.
i’ll just miss him.
i hope it’s not that though, there’s unfinished business in my eyes
my dad has to see me get married and cry in the ceremony like he did for my brother’s
i have to see the look on his face the first time he holds my child. glowing…
i hope, i hope.

Sunday, 11/30/2003

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